Mortality ! Life and death of my beloved pets

Since I was a kid, I always have pets around me. Cats mostly, because I am a cat person. When it comes to life and death, I can never take things lightly, at the end I always left with tears and heavy heart. My family is deeply aware of that, always warn me not to have any more pets since I can’t let go easily. And mortality left nothing behind. Deep down I know we all die one day, I am not afraid of death but the suffering itself and process of going through.

When I decided to keep hamsters, my sister jokingly warn me ” I don’t mind living with pets, if you can take care of them, its ok. But don’t cry when they gone ya” I said ” I will care for them the best I can, so when the time comes, there will be  no regrets, no sadness”  I can’t believe what I spruce was all bullshit. Damn!

My little Scabber passed away on the evening of 24 th July. It was a bright and sunny day, I was working the whole day and come back very late in the evening. When I reach home, the first thing in my mind is food. While I eating, I decided to  go and check on my hamsters since they are in my eyesight. I can see that Scabber is sleeping, unmoving and very still maybe unnaturally so,  in his favorite sleeping spot behind his running wheel. I am still holding my bowl and eating, but something snap inside of me and I know that he already left me in his slumber. I prepare to bury him after that, when I take him out he look so very peaceful like he is still sleeping. His death come very sudden to me, he have no prior illness, no sign, no nothing to suggest of his ending, yes he is slowing down and showing sign of old age but in my feign ignorance I always though he is going to live at least one or two more years. We buried him in the grass field under the Mahogany tree.  Saying goodbye is hard, but I can make peace with his death. He left so sudden, but in such peace. My brother empathically said he when his time comes he want to go in peace like Scabber. I couldn’t agreed more, he will always be my little Scabber, lazy , skittish boy with adorable face who really love to eat my hand grown wheat grass. Rest in peace Scabber.

Not long after Scabber was gone,  I notice that my little girl De De is acting weird, getting smaller, squeaking a little . I am not sure what to do, while I check her body, beside from her messy hair and frail body, she seem fine. Playing, running, eating as normal. One morning I wake up, and to my horror, I start to notice lump near her hind leg just below her tummy. I quickly tried to check up on clinic lists and locations, finally found one at Yishun, not very far from my home and have good reputations. At that first weekend of August, I bring her to the doctor, in 3 days her lump is quickly getting bigger. The doctor diagnose her lump as cancer tumor, the worse new ever 😦 The doctor give me two options 1st have operation procedure on her, although have very thin chance due to her age, and the place of the tumor. 2nd leave her in peace, bring her home, let her eat and  play as much as she want, maybe she will go peacefully by herself, maybe not. I was so devastated, all I can answer is I don’t want her to suffer. Then he advice me to bring her back to her place, let her eat and live as much as she want. When the time come, when she is suffering, bring her back to him, he will ease the pain. I did decided to bring her back. The whole time I was in dilemma , so scare that I’ve made wrong decision for her. My family,mainly my mom ,strongly advice me not to bent and have procedure on such a tiny little thing. I know she have such a distaste for extreme medical procedure, I remember she use to say “I rather go peacefully than probe and prick by doctors and those medical toys”.But what can I do? Life comes in many forms, to each it own. I feel sad that she have to suffer like that, but at the same time very endearing because she is such a brave little girl and full of life and energy. Visibly slowing down but she still eat her favourite food passionately, walk around in her tank which I redecorate for her to be more confortable and convenient for her. I have to take out her running wheel, change her food bowl to shallow one, add in one extra water bottle and thick layer of bedding for her comfort. She did live for one more month, first we are making oooh ahhhh sound whenever she show some kind of strenght like grab the pine nut with vigor or eat her meal worm passionately. But slowly as her condition deteriorate , she is having more struggle than energy, more like a chore than eating a tiny piece of food, just lying there breathless than walking. One day after I clean up her tank, and looking at her painfully lying in heap of bedding , carry the big burden of her body, looking at me with her tiny little black eyes, I have a breakdown , I don’t want to deal with it but I have to, crying help nothing. My borther told me, why waiting for her to suffer more and more to go. On 8 th of September I bring her to the vet and put her to sleep, I cried right outside of the door while she was inside. I tell myself that I did the right thing, hell! the doctor himself said that I am doing the right thing at the right time, but I was so angry that I have to let her go just like that, so sad that she have to go like that.

I bring her back home, at the same evening I buried her just beside Scabber’s resting place in the grass field. Life full of regrets, but I will never regret for having three little hamsters that bring so many joys to my life. Rest in peace De De.

June 2017
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